When I was 7, or so,
my family was on vacation
at Cherney's Resort
with our extended family,
grandparents and the like.
My grandparents their dog,
a rat terrier boxer or something,
named 'Misty Blue'
because she had one blue eye and one brown eye.
I had some cereal for breakfast,
but had to take a whiz halfway through.
I left the table,
and when I came back,
Misty Blue was up on the table chowing my cereal.
I went to the table and attempted to swat her away,
when she turned on my and mauled my face.
All for some Cheerios.
Totally a cereal that isn't worth it.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
08/21: Dinosaurs
I had my best friend Annie spend the night
once while we were in the third grade.
It was on a Wednesday night,
not sure how we finagled that since it was a school night,
but Wednesdays were the nights that the show 'Dinosaur' came on.
My family and I used to love that show
and we would all watch it together religiously.
I excitedly told my friend that it was on
and that we should go to the living room to watch it.
She told me "I can't, my parents said it's against our religion".
I left her in the room alone
while I went to the next room
and laughed hysterically with my family
and watched 'Dinosaurs' together.
(Tangent: This just dawned on me. She was also the 'Shoppasaurs' shirt wearer. How can your parents buy you a shopping dinosaur sweatshirt and not allow you to watch a hilarious show? Fucking christians. They've always confused me.)
once while we were in the third grade.
It was on a Wednesday night,
not sure how we finagled that since it was a school night,
but Wednesdays were the nights that the show 'Dinosaur' came on.
My family and I used to love that show
and we would all watch it together religiously.
I excitedly told my friend that it was on
and that we should go to the living room to watch it.
She told me "I can't, my parents said it's against our religion".
I left her in the room alone
while I went to the next room
and laughed hysterically with my family
and watched 'Dinosaurs' together.
(Tangent: This just dawned on me. She was also the 'Shoppasaurs' shirt wearer. How can your parents buy you a shopping dinosaur sweatshirt and not allow you to watch a hilarious show? Fucking christians. They've always confused me.)
08/20: My Dad's Weird Friends
My Dad's Weird Friends
My dad had a bunch of stoner friends when I was growing up.
One guy was in charge of house sitting
and taking care of stuff while we went on a family vacation.
I was only like 7 or 8,
but I remember coming home from vacation
and finding our fish bowl filled with Cheerios.
My dad had a bunch of stoner friends when I was growing up.
One guy was in charge of house sitting
and taking care of stuff while we went on a family vacation.
I was only like 7 or 8,
but I remember coming home from vacation
and finding our fish bowl filled with Cheerios.
08/19: The Day I Lost My Virginity
The Day I Lost My Virginity
It had rained all afternoon,
the playground equipment was soaked.
Once school had let out,
the sun was just beginning to peak it's head around the clouds.
I used to play on the monkey bars and the big toy
before I headed home to the babysitters house,
this day was no exception.
We had one of those Mad Max-esque monkey bar domes
that you could spider-crawl all over
and since it had rained,
it was just a tad treacherous.
I was making my way to the top when I lost my footing.
I tumbled down the side a little
and ended up crotching a bar near the bottom.
It hurt really really bad,
so I ran(limped) to one of the playground supervisors.
My 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Case, was the supervisor that day
and she terrified the shit out of me.
I wasn't able to tell her that it was my crotch that I had hurt,
(I think I was terribly prudish when I was young)
so when I went to her and was crying and in pain,
she asked where I was hurt,
and I pointed to my inner thigh.
She told me to walk it off and go home.
I got to my babysitters and it still hurt
but I can't remember if I told her or not.
That night I told my parents
and my mom took me to the bathroom to check things out.
I was bruised along my crack, butt to front
and had bled a little due to breaking my hymen from the fall.
And that is how I "popped my cherry".
Second grade.
Monkey bars.
It had rained all afternoon,
the playground equipment was soaked.
Once school had let out,
the sun was just beginning to peak it's head around the clouds.
I used to play on the monkey bars and the big toy
before I headed home to the babysitters house,
this day was no exception.
We had one of those Mad Max-esque monkey bar domes
that you could spider-crawl all over
and since it had rained,
it was just a tad treacherous.
I was making my way to the top when I lost my footing.
I tumbled down the side a little
and ended up crotching a bar near the bottom.
It hurt really really bad,
so I ran(limped) to one of the playground supervisors.
My 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Case, was the supervisor that day
and she terrified the shit out of me.
I wasn't able to tell her that it was my crotch that I had hurt,
(I think I was terribly prudish when I was young)
so when I went to her and was crying and in pain,
she asked where I was hurt,
and I pointed to my inner thigh.
She told me to walk it off and go home.
I got to my babysitters and it still hurt
but I can't remember if I told her or not.
That night I told my parents
and my mom took me to the bathroom to check things out.
I was bruised along my crack, butt to front
and had bled a little due to breaking my hymen from the fall.
And that is how I "popped my cherry".
Second grade.
Monkey bars.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
08/18: Bad Mother Fucker
Bad Mother Fucker
I remember going to Noah's Ark when I was 11.
The water park had just opened the year before, or so,
and this was my family's first time going.
They invited another family my parents were friends with
that had some girls that were around my brother's and and I age.
The theme park was awesome and I loved it!
I got so sunburnt though.
And I was getting interested in boys,
so my sunburn was totally embarrassing.
We went to a go-kart park that was gigantic
and there were cute boys there.
Didn't fly.
I was lobster red.
And I had a bad perm.
Then we went on the Duck things,
the vehicles that go on land and water.
We had a nice tour through some cool shit.
We went to the Bartlett Robot world of the future
and some house where the "laws of gravity are defied!"
It was a fun vacation.
I remember, while at Noah's Ark,
that everyone stared at my dad's tattoo.
My dad was chilling at the water park
in his trunks and a tank top.
The tank top showed off his bicep tattoo
unintentionally nicely.
He has a tattoo of a hand/butt man
giving you the finger.
He and 5 other buddies of his all gave it to each other
when they were like 16 or so.
Bad ass dudes!
I actually like his tattoo.
I like that it was his little posse's thing.
I'd get it as a commemorative tattoo for my old man
if I ever won the lottery and could afford all the tattoos I want.
This is a picture of my dad on Easter of 2011.
I asked him to flex and give me a bad ass look,
because he was walking around in the Harley Davidson cut off denim shirt
carrying a Miller Genuine Draft.
Bad mother fucker.
That's Easter for ya!
I remember going to Noah's Ark when I was 11.
The water park had just opened the year before, or so,
and this was my family's first time going.
They invited another family my parents were friends with
that had some girls that were around my brother's and and I age.
The theme park was awesome and I loved it!
I got so sunburnt though.
And I was getting interested in boys,
so my sunburn was totally embarrassing.
We went to a go-kart park that was gigantic
and there were cute boys there.
Didn't fly.
I was lobster red.
And I had a bad perm.
Then we went on the Duck things,
the vehicles that go on land and water.
We had a nice tour through some cool shit.
We went to the Bartlett Robot world of the future
and some house where the "laws of gravity are defied!"
It was a fun vacation.
I remember, while at Noah's Ark,
that everyone stared at my dad's tattoo.
My dad was chilling at the water park
in his trunks and a tank top.
The tank top showed off his bicep tattoo
unintentionally nicely.
He has a tattoo of a hand/butt man
giving you the finger.
He and 5 other buddies of his all gave it to each other
when they were like 16 or so.
Bad ass dudes!
I actually like his tattoo.
I like that it was his little posse's thing.
I'd get it as a commemorative tattoo for my old man
if I ever won the lottery and could afford all the tattoos I want.
This is a picture of my dad on Easter of 2011.
I asked him to flex and give me a bad ass look,
because he was walking around in the Harley Davidson cut off denim shirt
carrying a Miller Genuine Draft.
Bad mother fucker.
That's Easter for ya!
08/17: No Glass on the Stove.
No Glass on the Stove.
Once, after school, I decided to make chocolate pudding.
I grabbed a large enough bowl for all the ingredients
and I measured and mixed everything as I needed.
I had to go to the bathroom,
so I asked my little brother to watch over the pudding
while I took care of my business.
Just as I finished washing my hands,
I heard a loud glass explosion.
I yelled "Jon! What did you do??!!"
And he was just standing there in shock.
I saw the mess of pudding and glass everywhere
and then I saw that we only had about 30 minutes
before our parents got home from work.
Normally feuding siblings became a unified front
of massive cleaning overhaul.
We had everything damn near perfect,
maybe a little glassy lick of chocolate here and there,
but it looked as if nothing had happened.
But, of course, my mom immediately noticed the smell
of chocolate pudding in the air...
and the post-apocalyptic dessert scene in the trash.
That was the day my brother and I learned that
glass bowls cannot be used for cooking on the stove.
Once, after school, I decided to make chocolate pudding.
I grabbed a large enough bowl for all the ingredients
and I measured and mixed everything as I needed.
I had to go to the bathroom,
so I asked my little brother to watch over the pudding
while I took care of my business.
Just as I finished washing my hands,
I heard a loud glass explosion.
I yelled "Jon! What did you do??!!"
And he was just standing there in shock.
I saw the mess of pudding and glass everywhere
and then I saw that we only had about 30 minutes
before our parents got home from work.
Normally feuding siblings became a unified front
of massive cleaning overhaul.
We had everything damn near perfect,
maybe a little glassy lick of chocolate here and there,
but it looked as if nothing had happened.
But, of course, my mom immediately noticed the smell
of chocolate pudding in the air...
and the post-apocalyptic dessert scene in the trash.
That was the day my brother and I learned that
glass bowls cannot be used for cooking on the stove.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
08/16: The Witch
When I was in first or second grade,
my friend and I would walk past this old lady's house
while on our way to school.
We always called her a witch
and would spend time walking very slowly past her place
so that we could stare at her witchy house and try to
pick up on some of her witchy ways.
I am sure the only defining characteristic this woman possessed,
as far as being a witch,
was that she was pretty old and lived alone with cats.
My friend and I would dare each other to step foot into her yard,
which really wasn't hard since she lived right along side the road
and didn't have a fence or anything.
I'm not sure why it was so exciting,
but even still if I ever end up in my old neighborhood,
I still point and stare at her old house.
We would come up with fantastic stories
about her turning people into cats
or casting spells of some nature.
Looking back,
it's even more funny,
because there is a chance that I will end up
old, living alone, with many many cats.
Then someday children will dare each other
to run through my yard
and shriek when they see me.
Cat ladies are the new witches.
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